I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
