The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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