remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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