She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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