so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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