I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
