I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
