I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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