508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
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