there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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