she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
