I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
