I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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