i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
