I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
