For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
