Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
