I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
