its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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