M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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