saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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