I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
