I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
