I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
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