my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Randomize
