I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
