he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
