Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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