he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
