I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
