you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
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