It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
