Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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