Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
