if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
