He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
