i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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