so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
