this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
