listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
