Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
