Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
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he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
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She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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