The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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