I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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