i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
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Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
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Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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