New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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