I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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