my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
only you would photoshop your dick
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
