so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
