Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
