Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I love having hate sex.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
