Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
