I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
