He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!