I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool