WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
