im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
So gin and wine won't be happening again
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
i think i just lost a toe
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
