please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
