If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Enjoy the penises
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
